None of us like pain  or change but sometimes we have no choice but to face them and sometimes it is like dominoes going over in freefall. Another night with little sleeep and it is early and I am sitting here looking at dawn arriving feeling very happy with the views around me. This is my stream which has taken me years to get right for wildlife and I have a water vole resident and happy.Wild  indiginous plants looking good ,I love the tall grasses and clumps of wild geranium,speedwells little blue gems and the powerful yellow rattle.The dragonfly’s are back,landing on the tall grasses with their elegance.The swallows will soon wake up and do the circuit around my place It has been a very odd year since last July when I # my coccyx and  the subsequent agonies of sciatic pain and sleepless nights.By Christmas,as I was beginninging to re- emerge into the world when I caught the mother of all chest infections rendering me at one point unable to get my breathe.I spent 2 weeks beating that then wham a strange unexplained infection somewhere inside me and high liver enzymes transported off to hospital in the ambulance over the hills. 18 nights later I got home totally befuddled and anguished over all this with no real answers at all.I was pumped full of drugs for this drugs for that and steroids so watched my body change shape and no I did not like it at all.I began to feel detached from myself and everything was such an effort for small reward.I have had every last inch of me in some high resolution machine looking deep into bones tissues etc Well to stop boring everyone I made it through to May and ready to do my thing.  Who in tarnation would dream I would find myself at the head of a flight of twisty stairs and decide to freefall as sciatic pain ripped through my buttock, thigh and leg.I landed down on my forehead upside down with my beloved work horse of a right arm stretched out clutching on to something anything apart from fresh air,my glasses broke, and I felt the glass go through my eyelid. 2 hours is missing now in my memory as my next view of the world is Dr Theo a wonderful man who assesed prioritised and got going to sort out what this poor wreck in front of him had damaged.They thought fractured neck,fractured skull,fractured eyesockets believe me I was a mess.Lady Luck or ? had been with me, badly damaged eye area no fractures anywhere at all not even the black and bleeding wrist. When I was freefalling I could smell an odour remembered from  my childhood when my Father returned from a bad fire  still in a fire tunic ,it is a smell of its own but also I could smell ‘old spice’  and feel something pulling at my back.I have buried these thoughts for weeks apart from talking to my brother Bart  so far away in Canada. Good friends Charity and Nol were magic and their care of myself and a very shocked Nigel can never be repaid and soon I was on my way back into my hills. A hard seven weeks has been survived with me having to face all sorts of emotions and pains.My eye is not simple I have cut through the muscle and nerve which now does not allow me to raise my eyebrow so any stare from me in the future will look quite quizical. Plastic surgery to be faced. My hand ached and ached and throbbed and the bruising went but the pain got worse ,and in typical me style, I  kept stum and tried to keep going with knitting samples to do,commissions to complete patterns to test,the 2 new books on the back burner etc. 2 weeks ago I sat in the garden trying to reconnect fully with this body which had let me down or had I let it down and I was rock bottom, I felt useless and could not even pull up a weed I sat on the little bridge and wept,I wanted me back again I did not recognise the body I was dragging around. I walked though the long grasses to the stream and the smell was there again the burnt wool,stale old burny smell and I felt a weight across my shoulder for a nano  second then there was the most beautiful butterfly twittering around landing on my young trees one by one as if checking them out,the oak,the norwegian maples,the beech ,the birch ,the ash, the baby saplings, trees loved by my Father and myself.The red leaved oak planted for him ,the Gunni Eucalyptus planted for a friend,the birch for my Mother who loved the movement in the leaves on  a breezy summer day. I knew,I knew with utter conviction my darling Daddy was there and had slowed my fall.I don’ t want to justify my believe ,my faith my conviction that Love is for life and beyond and the space between this world and whatever is only a fine veil of mist. He always said a very northern saying ‘ chin up’ and his voice was in my mind and I made an appointment to sort out my worries with the hand ,thinking it would be ‘ still bruised get over yourself Lady’.No suddenly we are plunged into more high powered machines going deep to look inside every muscle tendon nerve ligament inside this right hand highly trained over 60 odd years to do whatever I wanted it to do from double crab handstands against the house wall,  two ball ,skipping, to  healing and nurturing during my nursing career ,caring as a mother, cooking as a wife, intricate fibre work,heavy gardening,but most importantly loving my new baby Grandaughters. It is not good but by hell and high water I will felt better than ever,knit faster,sew quicker, garden, cook, brush  my hair,wash my face,scrub my cooker down and clean without pain. More importantly this little hand only size 6 needs to deliver the emotions from my heart amd also teach these girls of mine skills for the future Only 2 or 3 people have known what has been going on and I say Thank you for keeping my confidences to yourselves until I felt strong enough to write this.I have had hundreds of emails wondering what was going on, where was I?when could they book me etc etc .I am here in my hills recovering,an old very special friend has helped me so much even without knowing maybe  that my Father said it I received a Chin Up ,so yes it is best foot forward …… Steady Chrissie don’t trip up,face to the future and get going again. The view when washing up- makes the job so pleasant.I am grateful for every friend I have ,every student who learns from me ,every tutor who has taught me.Thank you Cx